sexcake:

im so scared the rest of my life is gonna feel like this

Im feeling kind fo weird again. and ive been to the doctors and i’ve been to a psychiatrist but it just isn’t helping. 

So yeah- after my inspirational last post im depressed again. But i dont know WHY. like nothings wrong. Im cool and chill but yet its something. And i cant shake it. 

And my doctors put me on antidepressants but they’re just making me feel weird. They make my head hurt so much that i stand up and feel dizzy. They’re leaving my throat feel like ive eaten so much food im going to puke- even if i haven’t eaten yet. And i know they’re meant to be helping but oh my god? these feelings are just so much that i ‘forget’ to take them. 

Id rather think ‘how can they help when nothings wrong’ than take them and have this costant headache. 

And i just dont understand why this is happening 

So I haven’t posted for a while…

And that’s because I feel better?

Being sad is kind of like a nostalgic memory right now. I came back to tumblr to see all the mistakes I made. I wanted to search out the blogs of the people that hurt me, just to see whether they’d moved on too.

But it’s all so much in the past that it’s hazy. I can’t remember names or blogs or places or people. And I know that my sadness may catch me up one day. I know that my mistakes will haunt me. But right now, I’m in a good place. A really good place.

I regret the past. And I regret letting my sadness wash over me and swallow me whole. But I have accepted it. I’m referring to how I felt as ‘sadness’ although you and I both know it was a lot more than that. Had a lot more depth. But I don’t want to think about how awful it was. Don’t want to try and get in that headspace to explain it. Yeah, I still have problems. But who doesn’t? It’s life. I have someone who I can talk through them with, someone who understands me. I’m happy. And I’m not that girl anymore.

pictureperfectwritings:

I’m feeling both sad and happy.

 I want to be somewhere high where nobody can reach me. On the tallest building for miles, overlooking a city. The wind going through my hair, whipping my face. I want to stay up there for so long i cant feel my feet. 

I want my feet to be as numb as me. 

The whipping of my hair to sting as much as this pain in my chest. 

But how can that be? to feel pain and feel numb. to feel happy and sad. 

I want it to rain up there. So I’m soaked through but smiling as i spin in the rain. Splashing in time to the noise of people so far away i cant reach them. 

pictureperfectwritings:

So I often talk about the windy building feeling. Only I’m not sure that’s what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know how this feeing differs- I just know how it feels.

It feels like I’m at the bottom of a hole. It’s somewhere deep in the woods and covered in twigs at the bottom. Someone’s shouting down from the top- maybe they’re trying to help? But the top is so far away, so far from my grasp that I can’t even hear the words they’re saying. I only know they’re there because I feel the vibrations of their voice. A murmur of words, that I can’t string together to make a sentence.

And in this hole there are tunnels. But tunnels I’m too scared to explore because they’re dark. So dark that as soon as you take a step forwards the pitch black engulfs you. You can’t see in any direction, you just have to step back until you find your hole again. The hole where you’re safe, but the hole where you’re stuck.

sadhearts:

no offense but when is it my turn to get better